Courage; Fear Made Known

My last posting about fear seemed to resonate with many. Since every yin has yang and every up has down, I want to share, expound, pontificate – whatever I do – about my beliefs on courage. Courage isn’t a word we hear much anymore unless it’s attributed to heroic rescues, but, exhibiting courage is dealing with our fears, all fears - big or small; that is courage – always.

I read two quotations recently: “Courage is standing up for your beliefs when others remain seated,” and “Courage is listening and remaining silent in the face of contrary opinions.” Obviously, thoughts penned by people of very different temperaments and different ideas of courage. Courage may manifest by standing, staying seated or a variety of ways - it depends on personal fortitude. Courage may be exhibited in a loud and obtrusive manner, but it may also enter timidly and masquerade as every day behavior.

FIRST:

We can’t exhibit bravery without first experiencing fear.

A person may be labeled as courageous, but unless fear was part of the equation, that person may have accomplished great things, but they did not exhibit courage. Courage denotes overcoming the terror that shrieks, “I can’t!” and then behaviorally, we do. We persist in moving forward in spite of being frightened.

Any forward momentum in the face of fear is courage.

I want to repeat that…

Any forward momentum in the face of fear is courage.

Let’s all celebrate our victories of courage instead of beating ourselves up for the times, metaphorically, that we cower in the corner and can’t take one more step.

Let’s celebrate the computer-nerd father who gets out in the yard with his children, when he doesn’t know a fast ball from a snowball, and risks feeling and looking foolish; the introvert who takes a job interacting with the public and expends tremendous energy learning extroverted behaviors and returns day after day to the job that drains their inner-resources; the mother who admits she needs a break from a new infant – and asks for help; or the depressed person who gets up and functions, instead of sleeping to escape those thoughts that make them suffer.

THESE are some examples of courage.

SECOND:
Candidly, there may be times when all we can do is put the covers over our heads and refuse to go one step further until we recoup. Demonstrating courage takes an inordinate amount of energy. When our wells run dry, we have to tap into our higher-selves through rest and meditation and regain energy to begin again. There really are scary things out there that distract us from goals – whether anyone else acknowledges they’re scary or not. No one else has to understand our fear for it to be real – to us.

Growing up, I was much more introverted than other family members. Once a passel of relatives came to visit from another state and stayed at our house. Getting to know these people, who were strangers to me, drained me. I kept going outside, hiding in our motor home, until I could recoup my energy to be conversational again. In retrospect, I guess my fear was of being judged as not being lovable because I wasn’t charming enough, conversational enough, yada, yada, yada…

But, uh-oh! My mother, the extrovert, came looking for me. (I can hear the da, da, da, da, da, da, of the Wicked Witch of the West song now.) The motor home door flew open. My mother stood there; eyes blazing and said, “What do you think you’re doing? You have company to entah – taaaane.” (Her southern accent came back when she was about to use all three of my names.) “Tawnee Vivian Isbell, you need to get back into that hauhse riiiiiiiight nouw.”

I muttered, “I feel scared.”

In a way only a mother could, she - said, “WHAT”S wrrrooooooooooonnnnnnnnnggggggggg with yyyyyyyyooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu? (Encroaching on Belle-ism.) That is your faaahhhhmahllleeeee, in theahr. Your fahmahlee.” She stomped back into the house and yelled over her shoulder, “You are so strange.”

She, being an extrovert off the scale, didn’t understand. Leaving and going back in – for me - took courage. If you’re an extrovert reading this, I’m sure you’re totally flummoxed (I love that word, it almost sounds obscene, but isn’t in the least) and without a personal point of reference, you may believe my mother was right – I AM STRANGE. Ah, and there’s the rub.

Does another have to recognize an act as being courageous before it IS a courageous act?

Of course, the answer is no. It’s the same premise as no one having to understand our fear for it to be real and to be part of our make-up. If I go to the gym, am afraid to go (too awkward, too fat, too whatever), yet go anyway, I have no witnesses, but I have still acted courageously.

THIRD:
In most religious beliefs there is a statement about accepting the truth and you will be set free. This tenet applies also to our fear. If we choose to deny we have fear, then it will continue to control our behaviors. Only when we acknowledge our fear, accept the truth of it (because it is what it is, denying it will not eliminate it) and choose to behave in graceful ways that move us gently forward, will we be able to transcend the feelings and make friends with our fears.

There is a book called, Loving What Is, by Byron Katie, the reading of which has nearly dissipated the mental quagmire that has kept me paralyzed through much of my life. She poses four questions to ask ourselves when thoughts begin to cause us to suffer (and if you have fear you have labeled as irrational, then you suffer):

Is it true?
Is it really true – how do you know it’s true?
How do you feel when you believe that’s true?
How would your life be different if you didn’t believe that were true?

Then she advocates something called a turnaround, which is complicated, but you can view by going to You Tube and searching for Byron Katie - or by clicking on the video, I've added at the end of this posting...

Inculcating her recommendations, which she calls, “The Work,” has been life-altering for me. I now have a process with which to dissolve the fears that have kept me a prisoner. By bringing rational thought to my unconscious fears, I’ve realized it’s been my ego ramrodding my behavior: the fear of rejection, fear of feeling foolish, fear of looking foolish, fear that I’m not loved, fear of getting hurt, fear of not doing something perfectly - fear, fear, fear, fear - irrational, immobilizing, paralyzing - fear.

FOURTH:
However, let me also say that some fears are ABSOLUTELY VALID and are radar for our safety. Another excellent book called, The Gift of Fear, written by Gavin DeBecker, helps us process our perceptions and intuition when someone or something may mean us harm, and to act upon them, so that we may stay safe. We ignore these signals at our own peril. If we believe it is unwise to get into an elevator with a stranger, regardless of how it may be perceived by the stranger or by others, don’t get in. Those hairs that stand up on the back of our necks and that feeling we have in the pit of our stomachs have scientific explanations, but the short answer is they are warnings.

Those fears protect us; our conjured fears inhibit our growth.

As the youngest child on the block, I eavesdropped on the monster-movie conversations of the big girls without understanding that monsters weren’t real. Don’t even get me started on Dracula and the deed he held on my sleepless nights or the tears I cried over the possibility that my parents would become werewolves. I expended a lot of energy warding off goblins of my own conjuring.

My mom used to say that I borrowed more trouble than anyone she’d ever known. Mark Twain said it another way: “I’ve experienced many troubles in my life, and some of them actually happened.”

FINALLY:
Courage is what keeps us going. Courage props us up to try again and again and again until we accept that we have fear and welcome it into the light. We can then begin to live more peaceful lives - without the need for so much courage.